I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
