I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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