Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
