I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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