I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize