you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
