It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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