I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
