My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
