Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
