Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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