If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
