i permit you to call me
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
