a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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