You surviving the open bar?
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Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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