Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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