I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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