By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
