Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
