it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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