I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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