i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize