Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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