I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
