he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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