I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
