I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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