i love accidental penises.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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