i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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