Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
