3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
