Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
