Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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