Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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