Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
