apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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