His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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