Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
