I understand Curling. That high.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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