The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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