I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize