Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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