does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize