the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
