I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
