nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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