I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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