i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
