guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
