If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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