I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
