Your dad touched me again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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