My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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