The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
