So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
