Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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