Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
