I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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