saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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