so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
