Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
where am i from again
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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