Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
