I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
