home. puking in laundry basket.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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