$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Your dad touched me again.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize