The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
